Yesterday the past four months seemed like an eternity in Hell. This morning it seems like just minutes ago we were walking out of the doctor’s office incredulous that cancer had such an invisible strangle hold on his life. We both waited to wake from what had to be the ultimate nightmare. When we awakened, it was not a dream at all. We went on with our lives as best we could, trying hard to live rather than wait to die.
Cancer is insidious. The day came too soon when the waiting won out over the living. The chemo hurt more than it helped. Weakness–physical weakness–beat out our firm resolve. Day by day the hours asleep stretched longer. The ability to move diminished. Dependence replaced self sufficiency. Cancer transformed the stronger of we two into the more dependent and I do not know all the ways it changed me yet.
This evening Lane died. I know it is polite to say he passed but in every way he more than passed. I think he aced this life. The name of the end of this chapter is death. Only that ugly final word gives me comfort. My darling has died and the wait for his last breath is over.
There is a new challenge for the morning. I am not sure what that challenge is. I am not sure how to meet it or name it or recognize it. I know I will not be alone no matter how lonely I feel.
