I should monitor my thoughts more carefully. If you wait for something, it probably will come. I waited for the shoe to drop. Didn’t expect the entire shoe department to fall on my head in the same hour–in the middle of the night.
Truth be told, I was feeling like a bit of a freak. I really was okay and that bothered me.
I have watched the interviews of witnesses and interrogators who were so sure how real grief would look. I have been skeptical of their observations and but, even so, critical of my calm. What does it mean that I have slept like a baby for the past four days? What does it mean that I have felt able to do anything that didn’t require sustained concentration? What does it mean that I have really felt okay?
It means that I was exhausted and normal. Now I wish I still felt calm and freaky because sad, lonely, manic, wide awake, and normal feels like Hell itself.
